Harry Potter Movie Spoofs
by TheRowlingPierceWriter
Summary: More coming soon! I promise you, you'll laugh at LEAST a little.
1. book 1

Take One

McGonagall and Dumbledore are standing outside of the Dursley's house. Dumbledore is searching in his pocket for a lemon drop and McGonagall is still a cat. 

Dumbledore: Fancy seeing you here, Professor McGonagall.

McGonagall: How did you know it was me?

Dumbledore: My dear professor, I have never seen a cat sit so sexily. 

McGongall: purrs Your 'dear' professor?

Dumbledore: smiles seductively Why yes…he kisses her passionately

Director: CUT! Albus where the hell did that come from?!?

Dumbledore: still making out with McGonagall

Director: No stop, please, it's too horrifying!

Dumbledore: still kissing McGonagall

Ron: from off-screen Some people just can't keep their hands off their coworkers…including me! grabs Lavender and kisses her

Director: Neither can I! jerks cameraman away from camera and snogs with him

Harry: Damn, people!

Take Two

McGonagall and Dumbledore are talking about Harry being brought to the Dursley's, standing outside of number four.

McGonagall: Yes-yes, you're right, of course. But how is the boy getting here, Dumbledore?

Dumbledore: Hagrid's bringing him.

McGonagall: You think it-_wise_-to trust Hagrid with something as important as this?

Dumbledore: I would trust Hagrid with my life.

McGonagall: waiting for Hagrid

Dumbledore: waiting for Hagrid

McGonagall: waiting for Hagrid

Dumbledore: waiting for Hagrid

McGonagall: Where is the great hulk, Dumbledore?

Dumbledore: Er…that is to say…ummm….

Director: Cut! Everbody, where is Hagrid?

Cameraman: gestures towards coffee table

Hagrid: stuffing his face with doughnuts hunched over box of them, which is rapidly emptying 

Director: stomps over to Hagrid, gets hold of him by the scruff of his neck and rips him away from the table What the HELL are you doing, Hagrid?

Hagrid: Heh heh heh….

Take Three

Aunt Petunia is trying to wake Harry up for breakfast on Dudley's birthday. She is standing outside his cupboard door.

Aunt Petunia: Are you up yet?

Harry: groans

Aunt Petunia: What did you say?

Harry: moans

Aunt Petunia: puts her ear to the door, she hears more moaning and groaning What the…opens door, blinks twice, shakes her head Jesus Mary and Joseph! 

Hermione: Yes, God, yes!

Aunt Petunia: faints

Director: opens her eyes wide and gapes Oh, my God. 

Cameraman: zooms around, getting shots and muttering Work it, baby! The Spice Channel will love this!

Ron: from off-screen Maybe we should bump the rating up a little… 


	2. a lil bit of book 3

1 Harry Potter Movie Spoofs  
  
Take 2  
  
(Book 3)  
  
phone rings  
  
Uncle Vernon: Vernon Dursley speaking.  
  
Ron: yelling HELLO? HELLO? CAN YOU HEAR ME? I-WANT-TO-TALK-TO-HARRY- POTTER!  
  
Uncle Vernon: WHO IS THIS? WHO ARE YOU?  
  
Ron: RON-WEASLEY! I'M A FRIEND OF HARRY'S FROM SCHOOL!  
  
Uncle Vernon: THERE IS NO HARRY POTTER HERE! I DON'T KNOW WHAT SCHOOL YOU'RE TALKING ABOUT! NEVER CONTACT ME AGAIN! DON'T YOU COME NEAR MY FAMILY!  
  
five minutes later, phone rings  
  
Uncle Vernon: Vernon Dursley speaking.  
  
Ron: rapping Yo, is Shaniqua there?  
  
Uncle Vernon: rapping No, man Shaniqua don't live here no mo.  
  
Ron: rapping Yo, how about Harry?  
  
Uncle Vernon: GET AWAY FROM ME!  
  
five minutes later, phone rings  
  
Ron: Is Mr. Varnone Darsley there? I'm with Microsoft; this is just a courtesy call. We have in an excellent new PC for just $1,399! Buy now and receive a free Lexmark 3200 color printer, Panasonic 20-inch screen television, or-  
  
Uncle Vernon: Mr. Dursley isn't home right now. Don't call back.  
  
Ron: Or a '99 Compaq 223 laptop! Free installation, shipping, and handling! Our computers are stocked with 5 gigs of memory, an advanced sound system and automatic Windows Media Player! Our new and improved Microsoft Word can be equipped with  
  
Uncle Vernon: hangs up phone  
  
Ron: Is Harry there?  
  
five minutes later, phone rings  
  
Uncle Vernon: Vernon Dursley speaking.  
  
Ron: CONGRATULATIONS! Mr. Vernon Dursley, you have been chosen to receive an all expenses paid vacation to the rolling sand dunes of the Sahara! Enjoy the prickly sensation of the native cacti! Breathe the dusty air! Feel the wrath of the indigenous poisonous scorpions! And best of all, you get to stay THE REST OF YOUR LIFE!  
  
Uncle Vernon: Really to the Sahara? Wow, I've always wanted to go to the Sahara!  
  
Ron: Is Harry there?  
  
Uncle Vernon: WHAT THE HELL?  
  
five minutes later, phone rings  
  
Uncle Vernon: Listen up you filthy rotten juvenile delinquent! I know where you live and I've seen where you sleep! I swear on everything holy that if you bother my family again I'll do so many things to you that your own mother won't recognize you!  
  
???????-??????-????-????-  
  
Translation: ET phone home.ET phone home.. 


	3. book 4

p Harry Potter Movie Spoofs

p Book Four

p ~Scene One~

p Harry is trying to talk to Cedric alone about the dragons.

p Harry: Diffindo!

p Cedric: gets a boner What the ~@#$!?

p Harry: Oops, wrong spell…

p ~Scene Two~

p Harry is in the prefect's bathroom , talking to Moaning Myrtle about putting the egg underwater.

p Harry: You keep your eyes shut! gets out of the tub and walks across to the eggs

p Myrtle: peeks Holy @#$%!

p Harry: hears her and turns to her, naked Oh yea, baby. Once you have black, you never go back.

p ~Scene Three~

p Harry is in Dumbledore's memory, at Barty Crouch Jr.'s trial.

p Crouch Sr.: We have heard the evidence against you. The four of you stand accused of capturing an Auror-Frank Longbottom-and subjecting him to the Cruciatus Curse, believing him to have knowledge of the present whereabouts of your exiled master, He-Who-Must-Not-Be-Named…"

p Crouch Jr.: Father, I didn't! I didn't, I swear it, Father, don't send me back to the dementors…"

p Crouch Sr.: You are further accused of using the Cruciatus Curse on Frank Longbottom's wife, when he would not give you information…"

p Crouch Jr.: Wait! I can tell you what **really** happened, if you won't send me back to the dementors!"

p Crough Sr.: What?

p Crouch Jr.: I never put the Cruciatus Curse on them, I swear. It was… he hesitates

p Crouch Sr.: Out with it!

p Crouch Jr.: I made them watch Richard Simmons with me and now they've gone insane!

p ~Scene Four~

p Hermione has just kissed Harry on the cheek (at the very end). She walks over to Ron.

p Hermione: Ron, I—

p Ron: Hermione, it's just that—

p Hermione: I'm not going to Bulgaria—

p Ron: I'm sorry about the Yule Ball—

p Hermione: Oh, hell. Let's just do this. grabs him around the neck and starts snogging with him

p Ron: Wow.

p Harry: And all I got was a lousy peck on the cheek? What a rip-off!

p ~Scene Five~

p The students are all outside, waiting for the delegations from Durmstrang.

p Ron: Can you hear something?

p Lee Jordan: The lake! Look at the lake!

p Harry: It's a mast!

p Ron: It's a bird!

p Hermione: It's a plane!

p Lee Jordan: No, it's Superman! everyone watches in awe as the Giant Squid, wearing the Superman costume, flies across the sky

p Lavender: Wow, those people from Durmstrang sure do look funny!

p ~Scene Six~

p Karkaroff is greeting Dumbledore after his ship and the Durmstrang delegation arrives.

p Karkaroff: Yo, Homey-D! What's been screwing you lately?

p Dumbledore: Oh, you know, the usual. A couple of cats, the occasional Transfiguration teacher…

p ~Scene Seven~

p They are at the Quidditch World Cup.

p Bagman: And now, without further ado, allow me to introduce…the Bulgarian National Team Mascots!

p A naked man runs out into the field, doing cartwheels

p Hermione: Ohmygawd, it's the streaker from the Wimbledon! He's hot!

p The man is escorted out by security

p Bagman: After that, umm, _unexpected_ _entertainment_, to the **real** Bulgarian National Team Mascots!

p Another naked man runs out into the field, doing cartwheels

p Harry: What the---?

p Bagman: Ah, here he is now! Ladies and Gentlemen, Roman Krum, the Bulgarian Streaker!

p Krum: Dad???

p Ron: And that guy is different from the other guy…how?

p --Fin of chapter

p A/N: Sorry it was so short. More later!


End file.
